Relationship Hygiene 101

When it comes to relationships, dare I say probably you, like me, have embarrassing tendencies, like getting really co-dependent or commitment-phobic? Of course the easy solution is to blame your partner for being a narcissist or some similarly impressive-sounding psychological misfit. Looking around in my own life and on social media gives me enough evidence to see that our relationship lives are in a mess.

One step closer to relationship hygiene is to start seeing how this ‘monstrous other’ who is (or was) my lover/life partner is actually a mirror of an unconscious aspect of myself. That’s a nice step, conceptually, and your head likes it. But what about your gut? Your gut – your deepest instinctual self – will ask of you to explore the projection to its very roots, until it’s deeply felt and known in the body – and until a knowing drops in that likely will rock your world. 

My first radical experience of a projection collapsing back onto itself in me happened in my early thirties. In my late, twenties, at a time when I was finishing my Ph.D. and on task much of the time, I fell in love with a man whom I could describe as a true bohemian. My house was full of files, his full of art. While I typed away at the computer, he played drums. He seduced me into a discovery of my sexuality that was utterly wild and delicious.

It took me 3 years to get over that 3-months relationship that ended with him having an affair. 3 years later, after much agony and soul-searching, I discovered who he was in me: He was the mirror of an aspect of my masculine who is deeply in touch with the feminine, and can move with her creative impulse, her spontaneity, her passion. He encourages her passion, and joins in  on it.

Whereas my familiar personality in my late 20’s was very controlled and disciplined, this side of me is truly wild and adventure loving. Discovering my inner bohemian led me to an entirely new phase of my life where structure became fluid, life was a sensory journey and I was constantly discovering sides of my persona that I would never have believed were there.

If I had been able to own what my lover was offering me as a mirror, we may have had a very different relationship. But what’s really important here is that I finally took the gift he offered me. I integrated my inner bohemian.

In my upcoming course, The Soulmate Within​​​​​​​, we will specifically looking at being able to discover and own our projections in relationship and getting in touch with our hidden gifts and gems as reflected by our current and previous partners.

Here is what a previous participant has had to say:

“I was going through a painful separation and trying to make sense out of it. The course really helped me to discover what’s true for me and harvest the lessons of that relationship. I’m at peace now and appreciate the gifts that relationship and breakup brought to me. Seeing all my projections and stepping out of right/wrong dynamic. Accepting my polarities and stepping back into my centre. Letting go of my judgements of myself and others, deeper acceptance and friendship with myself. This is a foundational course for anyone wanting to be in a relationship, a must do to step out of blame game and unhealthy dynamics.” ~ Tarisha, New Zealand

Scroll to Top