Would you love to reclaim your virginity?
Anna desperately wants to get in touch with her sexuality. She’s flowing in so many other areas of life – doing the work she loves, surrounded by loving beings, grounded in her spiritual practice – but when it comes to the topic of sex – everything inside of her would rather turn the other way. And at the same time, she senses intuitively that sexuality as a door is one she needs to walk through. Because it promises her a quality of liberation that will catapult the rest of her life to the next level.
Anna’s story is that of so many women, give or take a few details. Somewhere along the way, we lost the virginal state of our sexuality and now we are trapped in this polarity: We want to be fully expressed sexual women – but even more than that – we want our sexual purity back. Here are a few scenario’s that have brought women to this double-bind:
- Tammy’s father was physically affectionate with her until she started to develop sexually. She took this as a sign that there is something ‘bad’ about her sexuality. She only gets turned on when she imagines herself as a virgin.
- Patricia grew up in a very traditional Catholic environment. When she fell pregnant in her late teens, she was ushered off to have an abortion and the topic was never spoken about again. She was left believing that she was ’spoilt goods’ and started acting out sexually to get attention. Today, she believes that enjoying sex with her husband pulls her away from innocence and confirm her fallen state.
- Gabby got sexually molested by an uncle who then convinced her that she invited this incident.
As you can see from these examples, women’s self perception that they have ‘fallen from grace’ sexually can be caused by so many experiences: from cultural and religious beliefs, parents’ inability to deal with their children’s sexual development due to their own unresolved issues, all the way to sexual abuse that the victim got blamed for.
On top of all of this, we are just exiting 5 000 years of Patriarchy during which women’s sexuality basically belonged to men and where we had very little control over our sexual bodies.
It is thus totally understandable that the desire to return to a Virginal state is what keeps many women from truly opening to the gifts of their sexuality. But the irony is that this desire often keeps women trapped in a stalemate. Let me explain. The development of our ego structure – our individual sense of self – happens through identification with polarities. I want to be a virgin and not a whore. I want to be good and not bad. I want to be pure and not spoilt goods.
The trouble with all these good intentions we have is that they exist in polarity. The law of polarity is that everything will in time turn into its opposite. As much as you control your life to have the experience of being good, life will give you equal and opposite opportunities to believe that you are bad – even if being ‘bad’ simply means unconsciously doing something that someone disapproves of.
The only way out of polarity is to become conscious of it. When you find yourself stuck, notice what the belief or aspiration is that you are holding on to – and then notice how your attachment also creates the opposite state.
Beyond polarities, it is possible to tap into an integrated or ascended state. An example of that would be starting to attune to the true essence of Virginity. When you do, you will discover that Virginity is not about staying away from your sexuality, but about how you are IN your sexual expression.
Virginal Sexuality is Wide-Eyed Awe
To be like a virgin in sexual experience (with yourself or with another) is to be in Beginner’s Mind. There is no past experience that creates the filter for this encounter. Like a new-born baby, I am in wide-eyed wonder at the experience of Now. No matter what we have experienced before, we can bring this quality of presence to sexual encounter now – it is simply a matter of conscious choice.
Virginal Sexuality has No Preference
Young children have no preconceived ideas about what they should be experiencing – in fact they are hungry to engage in every new experience. Likewise, when we enter into a virginal state in meeting our sexuality, we are fully present with whatever arises. So for instance, when I open to a beloved and find that intimate touch activates memories of sexual abuse, I slow down enough to feel what’s there – I share with my partner what’s up for me. This may look like refraining from genital sexuality for a while – and simply spending time staying in eye contact and holding hands while allowing my body to feel the terror that is there when sexual intimacy is approached. Most women won’t allow this because they believe they have to want sex. But what if the most intimate encounter you can give your partner is to be present with what you ARE feeling rather than what you think you are supposed to be feeling? What if this is the only way you will truly enter back into your body and discover that your original innocence never left you?
Virgin: A Woman whose Sexuality belongs to Herself
In the pre-patriarchal traditions, it was the Vestral Virgins who served in the temples of the Goddess. The meaning of Virgin in these traditions was a woman whose sexuality belongs to herself. If we take this metaphor to heart, we discover this beautiful truth: Woman, your sexuality was never meant to be ‘given away’ to someone. Experiencing your virginal essence simply requires of you to return your attention back to yourself. You will never find your sexual essence as a woman only through encounter with another. The mysteries of the feminine reside within your own body.
Close your eyes and go within. Breathe deeply. Relax. Unwind your body. Enter into your womb and begin to feel yourself in your sexual center. Enter into the temple inside your body. In the beginning, the sensations you feel inside your Yoni (the sacred center of your vulva) may be so subtle that you’ll hardly notice. But as you become more practiced and more attuned, you will discover this: The frequencies of your sexuality are as fine as the finest rivers of pure gold. They are pure liquid bliss. It has never been otherwise. And nothing can ever change this truth.
Enough said for now. If you feel drawn to discovering more about the profound quality of your ever-virginal sexual essence, I’d love to be your guide. My course Awakening your Feminine Sexual Essence was created to initiate you into the sacred mystery inside your sexual body. The course starts 20 October 2016.