Debunking the Myth of Sex
Whenever I teach an in-person retreat or workshop, I find myself at some point suggesting to the participants to give up sex as they knew it. Why? Because most of the ideas we have in our heads about sex are myths that cause more pain and frustration than adding any real pleasure and joy in our lives. Here are some of the myths about sex:
Myth #1: Sex is a genital affair
Most people believe sex is that happens in the bedroom when genitals connect. The truth is that sex is much more. Sex is what makes the world go round. It is vital life force. It is the life blood that pulses through all of creation. It is the creative principle – the sap in trees, the pulsing of stars, the song of the birds, the substance of rocks. It includes the dance of genitals connecting – but is by no means limited to that.
In Hindu Tantra, sexual energy is called Shakti – the power that animates the universe. And when we open to this wider, universal impulse of sexual energy, it transforms our sexual lovemaking into an affair with rapid evolution.
Myth #2: Sex is about orgasm
The drive towards genital orgasm has turned sex in our world into a commercial affair. We are as driven about sex as we are about achieving our financial goals and personal successes. Sex that is hunting for orgasm activates that flight, fight and fuck response in our nervous system. In other words, it becomes part of living in survival mode. The quick high is followed by a low, that has us searching for the next quick high – and so we keep going on the sexual treadmill. Sex in survival mode with quick thrills leaves little room for building true intimacy.
Myth #3: Sex is all about feeling fantastic
So many people I speak to walk around with the belief that, if they could only get some good sex, they would feel fantastic. This Hollywood idea of sex is a highly edited version of the real thing. For true intimacy to happen in lovemaking, the lovers need to be willing to show themselves in all that arises. The ecstasy and expansion that happens in lovemaking leads to an emptying out of the old. This may come as a sudden flood of unexpected emotion or sensation. Tears may come… laughter… or even anger. If we can stay with this movement of energy during lovemaking, we are bound to drop to a deeper place in our intimacy. After lovemaking, more of this expansion and contraction is likely to follow. If we can appreciate the highs as much as the emptying out, then we are on the fast track for learning about the true evolutionary power of sex.
Myth #4: I can only have good sex if I have the perfect partner
A good relationship with your sexuality starts with your relationship with your own sexual body – and with your love for yourself. Listen to my free webinar on this topic on Wednesday, 23 November to find out more about how to make love to yourself, the Tantric way.
Myth #5: I’m not a sexual being unless I’m turned on
I can’t tell you how many women I meet walk around with the idea that they are somehow sexually malfunctioning because they are not ‘turned on’. Being ‘turned on’ is a body experience that starts in the genitals in response to a sexual stimuli, such as the desire to have sex with someone. It involves the release of a cocktail of neuro-chemicals, the primary one being dopamine which gets a kick out of the chase. Basically, being ‘turned on’ is a function of our biology that supports sex for procreation.
But the reality is that sex in humans has many more functions than procreation. Sex that truly is lovemaking is a deep heart communion and spiritual union between two people. It is a sharing on multi-dimensional levels. When I see a woman – or a man – with their hearts wide open and their bodies pulsing with aliveness telling me that they are not sexual because they are not ‘turned on’ – I see the damage that this narrow understanding of arousal is causing. What if arousal starts in the heart? What if it’s a whole-body affair? What if it’s going to take time – perhaps a lot of time – before genitals are wet and swollen and ready for intercourse? Are we willing to be in the lovemaking that begins way before this consummation happens? Can we be honest enough to not say yes to genital intercourse unless that level of communion is welcomed by our highly sensitive and intelligent sexual organs?
A New Kind of Sex
Considering all these painful myths we are harboring about sex – doesn’t it make sense to give up sex as we knew it? In letting go our obsession with sex as a genital affair, we may indeed discover what it means to truly make love – with the beloved, and with the universe. In surrendering the quest for the next orgasm, we may find the sheer bliss of the heart’s arousal. In sacrificing our obsession with sex as a kind-of feel-good drug, we may discover a level of intimacy in lovemaking that just gets deeper through the many faces of each other we discover as we dive wholly in to this communion. In dropping the quest for the perfect sexual partner to kick-start our sexual lives, we discover that real lovemaking is an inside job. And through all of this, we discover that it is much more satisfying to be turned on by life than to only hunt for the sexual association that create genital arousal. Those who dare to take this less-traveled road will be the ones who take sex to the next level for all of humanity. Will you be one of them?
Remember my live free call Wednesday 23 November: How to make love to yourself, the Tantric way. Sign up here.