In just 11 years you ask? This doesn’t sound too impressive, I get it, but in a way it was a great lesson for me…. And a great achievement.
They say that love manifestation is the toughest…. At least if your intention is to manifest something worthy of taking home to your mom, or someone that doesn’t just plan to wine, dine and 69 you before moving on to the next person at the slightest altercation or disagreement of will.
I used this title because they say that people like “results” … How to get what they want in the shortest amount of time …., I know it would sound better if I said “How I manifested the love of my life in just 30 days”.... But unfortunately sometimes things take time. Things require patience, they require gestation...
I, like most other people on this planet, didn’t always understand or agree with that notion. I was impatient. I was insecure with the waiting or the unknown. In fact, hanging out in the terrain of the mercurial unknown brought a level of anxiety up in me which was similar to a wild animal about to be ensnared… it brought up the fear of death itself making me want to cling to any form of safety…. Which ultimately manifested as control in my surroundings… control of my environment and everyone in it!
When I got divorced 11 years ago my mother told me “Just make sure that you are ready for this, have you considered that you may be single for 10 years?”... “Don’t be mad!” was my response… “Don’t project your experiences onto me! OF COURSE I will find a new relationship SOON…. In fact I am counting on it!”... not only that, truth be told half of my passwords still to this day are the fictional date of my intended new marriage… which I’ll admit apparently took place quite a few years ago already….
But it turns out, life had other plans for me….
I engaged in a few short dalliances, until one-day I found myself in the foetal position on the kitchen floor in a heap of my own despair after a particularly painful “break-up”. One of those key turning moments where one could say I reached my “relationship rock-bottom”. That one experience which forced me to look at myself squarely in the mirror and honestly reflect to myself: “What was I doing ‘wrong’?”
(I know depending on your personal belief system, the word “wrong” is questionable, as labeled with binary thinking… and of course it was all “right” to give me the greatest spiritual lesson of my life …. but just go with me here)
So here are some of the key realizations I made:
1. You are responsible for the creations and experiences in your life
This can be a particular bitter pill to swallow, and I can already hear the retorts in the back saying yes but what about x who had that terrible thing y happen etc etc. Without going into the extremes of scenarios as a way to bypass and reject this concept of radical responsibility, let yourself absorb this notion, even if just for a minute.
I had to get really honest with myself and ask the questions: Where in my psyche was I totally reveling in this experience of being single? Where was I 100% on-board with feeling rejected, feeling abandoned? Which part of me was loving, and I mean LOVING the intensity of the drama that was created with another saucy encounter or another “woe-is-me can you believe he did that" sensational story.
When I allowed myself to get up-close-and-intimate with myself in this way… where I could honestly own my created experiences because of the sensational emotional paybacks that I was getting…. No matter how distorted…. Then I could start bringing some radical conscious choice into my reality.
2. Your partners are not your parents
I know this sounds blindingly obvious… but unfortunately our unconscious belief of this statement is more true that we would care to admit.
In fact this particular lesson was probably the most challenging one to untangle. The experiences of our pre-verbal youth are strong! Like super-glue, hard-as-nails strong. They form the very matter of our reptilian, survival-instinct, pre-logical conscious minds. They get hard-wired under the rest of the layers of experience which all take place later during our more adult, conscious-choosing part of our lives. I.e. they are not so easy to resolve in talking therapy!
I needed to honestly and reflectively look at how my choices in partners uncanningly reflected the pattern of searching for my unavailable father from my youth. How the emotional experiences, the “what-I-thought-love-to-feel-like” were just a shadow of a bad experience, and not something which reflects the absolute truth of adult love and relationship. I needed to untangle myself from the hooks of “finding daddy” in order to feel “safe and loved” just how I did when I was 3…. Because truth be told…. This is a little twisted…
3. You are you and nobody else
Essentially I needed to get over my repulsion of the new-age cliche of “self-love, self-love, self-love”....
I am not saying that you can’t find love until you love yourself absolutely and fundamentally. No, actually I don’t believe this, because actually what I do believe is that we attract where we are. Our vibrations match the vibrations of those around us and there are plenty of people out there with the same level of self-loathing and self-love as you to get all cute and cuddly with.
What I am saying is that I needed to accept that “I am me”.... Accept my love of myself, my judgments of myself, my desires to change or improve myself. I needed to stop projecting other peoples rejections or acceptances of me. I started the journey of embracing all of my thoughts and feelings. Acknowledging all of my experiences. I engaged the process of essentially “becoming human”.... Accepting the messy, sometimes pretty fucked-up, reality of being a human being in a physical body with all of its limitations and boundaries. I put down the baton of perfection which I would use to beat myself up with and let myself drop into the soft billowy pink pillow of universal love and acceptance…. (oooohhh cushy)
So there we have it, 3 quick bullet point “how to’s”..... And as I hope you can see…. Sometimes things which seem relatively simple are not always that easy. They require a journey. A journey into the self. A journey of self-discovery, self-unravelling.
No course or 3-point how-to-list is going to radically change your life unless you are willing to invest yourself into the process. To let yourself pull up your sleeves and get dirty….
Wanting to get a little “dirty”? On 1 August 2019, the 9-month gestational journey of Sexual Awakening for Women is starting. A group of women are coming together to explore 9 distinct themes to unravel themselves and connect with their power as creative potent beings.