What Women Want – A Tantric Perspective

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What Women Want – A Tantric Perspective

Tantra is a path of Awakening to the full truth of who we are. Put in a different way, it is a journey to becoming fully present, in every moment, while being in the body. As you may have noticed, it is not that easy to just “be present”, no matter how much you use your will. The reason is that there are unconscious patterns in the way of our being present.

The unconscious patterning

Women have unconscious patterns as much as men. So, in answering the question: What do women want? – this is where we can start. For all of us, men and women, our eroticism will draw us to what we are yet to discover, integrate or accept about ourselves. What we haven’t accepted in ourselves, we tend to project out onto a potential partner. Please note that, while I at times use heterosexual examples here, the same principles apply for lesbian relationships, as we all have both a masculine and feminine aspect in ourselves.

This is how this plays out when women’s unconscious desires get expressed through erotic attraction:

  • The rich partner and the gorgeous hunk: Some women will be attracted to any sign that a man will be a good provider that will take care of all their survival needs (these may include diamonds in her unconscious beliefs!) Physical strength and beauty can also be a symbol of the man’s ability to provide.
  • A partner with social status: If a woman is attached to the view of her tribe/family/culture, she will look for a mate that enhances her status, or at least be acceptable, in the collective.
  • Personal power – the suit, the job, the fast car, the large penis: Since our culture has for so long given power mostly to men, women are used to looking for power through their men. The external symbols are a representation of personal power. This is why men who play The Game will do everything in their ability to appear as the Alpha Male.
  • The daddy/rescuer: When women have hurts or repressions from the past in the arena of love and belonging, they will look for a partner to fulfil these needs and make them feel loved at last.
  • The wild, artistic one: If a woman will not allow herself to express her impulses freely, she will be attracted to partners that are comfortable to do so.
  • The intellectual: Some women are attracted to signs of intelligence and mental flexibility in men. The Mating Mind is a book that holds the position that, in modern times, intellectual ability can be a stronger sign of partner suitability for women than physical strength, etc. Those who are most intelligent and creative, are likely to be the best providers.
  • The guru: If a woman does not own her own divinity completely, she may be looking for a partner that can be her superior teacher, her God that she can look up to at all times.

The wonderful thing about relationships and erotic attraction is, or course, that they give us an opportunity to see, and come to own, what we have been unconscious of in ourselves. This is another way of saying that there is nothing “wrong” with following an attraction based on any of the above criteria. It just helps immensely if you can see your own eroticism and start to work with it consciously.

Women being masculine

As I mentioned earlier, we all have both a masculine and feminine aspect in us. Women have grown up in a world that is largely still dominated by male tendencies. This can be so even if you have grown up with lesbian parents. Why so?

  • We as women have wanted to occupy our rightful place next to men. For many women, that has meant living mostly through our masculine in a tough, competitive world. It is not that easy to switch off that persona when we get to the beloved in the bedroom.
  • Our fathers were our heroes: Since for most women our fathers are the first men in our lives many women spend their lives unconsciously trying to be like their fathers or to please their fathers – though other men who come to represent them.
  • The world teaches us to make love the masculine way. Most women have learnt about sex from male lovers, who were mostly also unconscious of what they were doing. In addition, the media culture that we live in, portrays women’s sexuality in a way that is actually not very feminine at all. Models often look like young boys. Porn stars and sexy models adopt poses that may appeal superficially to the male mind, but that actually speak very little about the authentic feminine. Even articles on sex and lovemaking are often focused on conventional male approaches to sex.

Presence for the man

As we start to consciously embrace our sexuality, we can come to Pure Presence. From this place, I propose, the feminine in us wants a whole different set of things from the man.

Worship the goddess

In Tantra, women are believed to be the ones that can lead men into their transcendence through conscious lovemaking. This means that you will do well to listen, to tune into her body, to follow her even in the subtlest of movements.

  • Give your full presence to your beloved: Drink her in with all your senses. Adore her being, adore her body, worship her breasts and her vagina.
  • Go subtle: Women’s bodies, if they are just in pure presence, respond to the subtle. Touch her lightly, with full awareness. Explore touch that is as light as a feather, perhaps just one fingernail running up her body. Subtle touch around the breasts and the nipples build arousal and helps the woman to open up. Inside the vagina too, subtle sensation is preferable. Yes, go for deep penetration by all means, but go slow, only as deep as she is comfortable, and stay there in the depths for a while. Here both of you can feel the subtle exchange between the walls of the penis and the vagina. This can be a beautiful and also very healing experience.

Be the rock

In traditional Tantric imagery, the man is the rock, and the woman is the wind and the water. Again I remind you that ultimately we are looking for the marriage of the masculine and feminine in ourselves, so it is not essential to be exploring this with a partner of the opposite gender. Here I am speaking of the male principle. Being the rock means the following:

  • Stay present: The deeper dream behind what people perceive to be Alpha Male qualities, is that women are looking to see if a man can stay present. If you are interested in a woman, stay present with her, even if she appears not to be interested. It takes courage to do this. The rock must be willing to be battered by the waves and the wind, and still to stay put. It must also be willing for the woman to appear in all her unpredictable wildness, and to take him on the ride of his life.
  • Go slow: The conditioned male impulse is to rush sexual engagement towards an end point. There are a number of unconscious reasons for this. The first is that men’s first sexual experiences – especially masturbation – were often rushed and rough. As the penis gets treated roughly over a lifetime, it becomes desensitized. It takes practice and presence to become aware again of subtle sensations. It takes going slowly, being attentive. The second reason why men tend to rush is that the procreative urge wants men to ejaculate as fast as possible and as often as possible. As you well know, we human beings are unique in that we have the capacity to make love for pure pleasure, and also simply for the ecstatic bliss of experiencing oneness with everything. If you want to support this capacity in your partner, I suggest you go slowly in lovemaking. Explore her whole body. Take your time about it. Penetrate only when her juices are flowing. And do so slowly, slowly, very slowly.
  • Relax: Traditional sexual exchange is actually a contraction of muscles towards an explosive release, followed by exhaustion. Try approaching lovemaking with deep relaxation. When sexual energy starts to build on your body during penetration, relax your bum. If you don’t, you will have no option but to ejaculate.
  • One pointed focus: At some point in penetration, the woman will want to play around you like the wind and the water. Keep your attention focused one pointedly in the penis now. Breathe deeply. Remember to relax, as ejaculation will result in a loss of energy and the end of the play. If you can stay focused, the woman will take you into ecstatic heights that are hard to describe – you have to experience them.

Presence for the woman

What do women want in their own sexual experience? Here are some ideas as to how the deep feminine moves in us:

  • Heightened energy in the breasts: The breasts are women’s positive magnetic pole in the body. We give through our breasts, and through our hearts. When women become aware of the subtle sensations in our breasts, and especially in our nipples, this brings a whole new relationship to your sexuality.
  • Opening up, relaxing, receiving: Women’s negative, receptive pole is the vagina or yoni. In its highest potential, the vagina opens up, receives, and draws energy up the body. Women are often conditioned to contract the vagina around the penis to speed up ejaculatory orgasm. This, sadly, can also be a way for women to get over what they essentially experience as an unpleasant experience. If the vagina actually does not want the penis, it will contract and push the penis outward. When the vagina is open, just in pure presence, and when the required healing has been done, the woman can feel herself opening, relaxing and opening more as the man slowly enters her. The sensation is like that of a rose of which the petals slowly start to open, row upon row, upon row, taking in more and more of what is given. It is possible to take the sexual energy that enters the body through the vagina all the way into the heart, and eventually out the crown of the head like a golden shower.
  • Moving like wind and water: Conventionally, women tend to move like men in sexual intercourse – backwards and forwards in repetitive motion. This will quickly result in ejaculatory orgasm, as the vagina presses up against the scrotum. While this can be a fun way to activate basic sexual energy, women’s bodies eventually want to start moving more like the wind and the water – in round, swaying circles, in spirals, in unpredictable, flowing shapes. What happens if a woman allows this movement is that the sexual energy starts to rise up her body, taking her into an ecstatic experience that Tantrika’s call skydancing. Typically, this happens when the woman is sitting on top of the man, with him holding one pointed focus, lying still, relaxing his bum, while she allows the energy to sway her into the beyond. A male lover who has learnt to tune into the energy movement in his partner’s body will be taken along by this movement, ecstatically, and often to a place of profound stillness.


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