We live in a world that is massively driven and full of hard edges. When our daily lives are a constant push for achievement, our sexual experience will take the same tone. We’ll be hunting orgasm and fast reward – while at the same time feeling disconnected from a true sense of sexual flow. The reason is that driven sex is fired by dopamine – the neuropeptide that provides a quick feel-good sensation when we enter into the hunt. But the problem with dopamine is that “there ain’t no satisfaction” – any sexual experience that involved too much frenetic activity to reach orgasm will soon after bring a dump in our neurochemistry as the dopamine levels drop – which means we’ll have to get back on to the sexual treadmill. Or we might find ourselves losing interest in sex entirely.

Whenever I teach an in-person retreat or workshop, I find myself at some point suggesting to the participants to give up sex as they knew it. Why? Because most of the ideas we have in our heads about sex are myths that cause more pain and frustration than adding any real pleasure and joy in our lives. Here are some of the myths about sex:

Sally grew up in rural England amongst people who appear from the outside to be excessively polite. This in contrast to the story Sally shares with me: Since she was a young girl, she was molested by her grandfather who was a primary carer in her life. Her grandfather in turn was molested by his father, who was molested by his father… and so the pattern goes back for generations. What each victim of sexual abuse had in common was that they were sworn to silence. All that happened was never spoken about – and silently passed on to the next generation.